a conversation about kindness

everyday kindness

This was a thread throughout the conversation. Many stories were in everyday settings, like shops, public transport and the street. Kindness isn’t for special occasions.

The stories often involved a stranger; someone being kind to us or the other way round. A feature of these experiences was taking the time, even if just for a few moments, to engage in kindness. Rather than pressing on with our business of the day, we consciously pause and step out of what we are doing. In that way, kindness is a choice.

One of the stories was about the kindness shown by a health professional who took the time to help someone who was anxious about an injection. He closed the door on a busy surgery and focused on the person. In another case though, a nurse spoke unnecessarily harshly to a patient in front of other people.

 

We talked about health services and the pressures on staff. Kindness should be the norm, not the exception, but it can get side-lined. We need to find ways of rehumanising healthcare. 

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kindness as connection

We can go through our daily lives without really seeing people, whether it’s the shop assistant at a checkout, people we pass on the street or someone next to us on the bus.

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Kindness is a way of connecting. Perhaps more than that - kindness IS connection.

 

At a basic level, it’s about acknowledging others, and we shouldn’t underestimate what that means. People can feel invisible.

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Sometimes the connection can be surprisingly powerful. One of the group told a story of walking along the street after a relationship break up. An oncoming stranger looked her in the eye, took in how she was feeling and offered a hug – which she accepted. Kindness can cut through social convention and change someone’s day. 

 

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complexities of kindness

Good intentions don’t always lead to positive outcomes. One person had to step away from doing an elderly neighbour's shopping due to nasty behaviour. Although she felt guilty, she had a young family to look after and the neighbour had grown up children who could see to her.

Another person tried to help her brother with an addiction. She realised she was being conditional – I’ll do this if you do that. At the same time, she allowed him to take advantage. One day she went up to his door but decided not to go in. It was hard to feel so powerless, but she recognised she needed to walk away.  

Guilt often raises its head in these kind of situations. As a carer for his mother with dementia, one of the group had felt guilty going out of the house for a few hours to spend time with friends, even though care was in place. This is where self-care is vital. As the saying goes, we can’t pour from an empty cup.

We agreed it’s healthy to have boundaries. Some of us shared examples from our professional lives and how they support us in our work. Boundaries are just as important in our personal lives, especially as they can easily get blurred.

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compassion vs pity

The group agreed that kindness is better coming from a place of compassion than pity. If we feel sorry for someone, we’re looking down on them, whereas as compassion is alongside, human to human. It's less likely to create dependency or stifle a person with good intentions.